On Tuesday evening, thousands of teenagers up and down the country faced a sleepless night – as did their parents. The long months of study and stress are over; today is A-level results day. We hope, of course, that the news will be good – while knowing that there is every chance the dawn will bring only bitter disappointment.
Parents must hope for the best – and plan for the worst. When our child is in pain, we would say almost anything to take it away. But words can be treacherous: even if our intentions are good, the choices we make can have precisely the opposite effect. To help mitigate this risk, The School of Life has compiled a brief list of how not to console an unhappy teen on results day…
1. Don’t say ‘It’s not the end of the world’
As “grown-ups”, we see it as our duty to place our child’s suffering in proper context. Of course, we know the calamity is not as great as it seems to them right now. After all, we’ve been around for so much longer: we know that life has many more such disappointments in store – and that, given time, they will surely get over them.
Yet the child in question is unlikely to see it this way. Their entire education – which is to say, the span of their conscious memory – has been leading up to this point. They may have missed out on a university place; the future they have spent so long imagining for themselves has suddenly crumbled to dust. It isn’t the end of the world, of course – but right now, for them, it might as well be.
When we attempt to downplay or minimise pain, we risk suggesting that their response is unwarranted. The task of empathy isn’t to temper another’s feelings – so instead honour – and lend validity to – the depths of their suffering.
2. Don’t say ‘You tried your best, that’s all that matters’
Again, the impulse is a wholly good one. We’re trying to spare our child from self-torture: tormenting themselves for being responsible for their own failure.
Yet as painful as this notion is, how much more so is the thought that failure is on our cards no matter how hard we try? If the “best” we’re capable of is falling short, doesn’t that make us idiots for trying in the first place – and why would we bother doing so in the future?
We should refrain from always equating effort with outcome: other factors (crucially, luck) play a factor. Reiterate that fortune wasn’t on their side on this occasion, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be in the future.
3. Don’t say ‘I hope you’ve learned your lesson’
This might seem obvious, but each year, countless parents will be unable to help themselves. This outcome was no surprise to us: if only they’d listened to our repeated warnings earlier. We’re not necessarily being cruel: through tough love, we’re trying to ensure the relevant lesson is heeded.
But if the lesson is obvious to us, it certainly is to them. Our child already knows all too well the reason for their disgrace. This isn’t the time for recriminations; what they need right now is nothing but solace and support.
4. Do say ‘I love you, no matter what’
Part of the job of parenting is to establish standards of behaviour. We shower our children with love and praise when they do well – and make our disappointment plain when they fall below what we expect.
An unfortunate byproduct of this process is that a child can begin to feel that their parent’s love is conditional. They conceive of love as reward for high achievement: difficult to earn, and all too easily squandered.
This is why early experiences of failure are often so traumatic for a young person. Their conclusion is not: “on this occasion, I have failed”. It is: “I am unworthy of love.”
Of course, most parents know the truth – that our love is, for all intents and purposes, unconditional. We don’t need them to be exceptional. Our sole and dearest wish is that they can be happy.
So deep is our love that a disappointment on this scale is almost as distressing for us as it is for them. But properly handled, such a moment can also be an occasion to demonstrate that, no matter what happens, they are, and will always remain, worthy of love.
The School of Life is a global organisation that aims to help people lead more fulfilled lives through useful resources and tools