Secrets of a plumber: 'Rats bit a hole in the toilet. It was horrible. Then he locked me in'

“Plumbing is word-of-mouth, mostly. People have to like you, and recommend you. That’s why Trust A Trader’s so useful. And people have always recommended me, but then I’ve worked hard for my reputation. I’m never late, I always turn up when I say I will, and I’m always clear on how much things cost. I’ve spent the past 20 years trying to overcome the many stereotypes that people still have towards tradesmen.

If I’m honest, I sort of fell into this line of work. I’ve a law degree, and a postgraduate diploma in publishing, and I worked in marketing for a while. But when my son was born, I began to feel like I was leading someone else’s life, and wanted to do something else. I actually wanted to write a book, but I needed to earn money. There was a shortage of plumbers at the time. I know this because we were renovating our flat then, and found it really hard to find a plumber. Then, when we did get one, he was useless, and I thought to myself: I could do better than that. So I did. I took an intensive, year-long, crash course, and I’ve been a plumber ever since.

I like the job, and I like being someone’s hero. If you turn up to a house where they have a burst water main, or a flooded toilet, I come along, and fix it. People appreciate you. In this job, you get to go into all sorts of homes, and meet people from every sector of society. And if you do a good job, they call you back year after year. I’ve fixed toilets for people in their student flat, and then, years later, I’ve fitted a bathroom for them in their five bedroom family house. You build up real connections with people.

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After two decades in this game, I’ve a lot of stories. The worst was probably when I was called out to a squat in Finsbury Park, London. The guy was quite scary. He’d had his electricity cut off, and his toilet was broken. He was a hoarder, the house was full of rubbish, and while I worked, he locked me in. I’ll be honest, that made me nervous, but then at the time I’d been watching a lot of programmes about serial killers. My wife didn’t want me going back to him the day after, just in case. She was worried he’d bury me under the patio! Rats had gnawed a hole in the back of the pan connector of his toilet and, well, it was horrible. But I did what I was there to do, and I fixed the problem. He never paid me, though. I would have complained but I was so freaked out, so I just got the hell out of there!

But mostly people are lovely. They chat, they bring me lunch, and endless cups of coffee and tea. I remember once being called to the house of an old lady who was hard of hearing. She’d been having a really high water bill, and couldn’t work out why. I must have rung her bell, and knocked on the door, for 20 minutes before I finally got her attention. As soon I stepped inside, I could hear what sounded like water rushing. She hadn’t been able to hear it. Turns out, the mains going into her house had split underneath her lounge floor. It was like a swimming pool down there, just unbelievable! But I fixed it.

The older you get, the more this job takes its toll. I must visit the osteopath at least once a month, but then plumbing is mostly conducted in confined spaces; nothing is ever easily accessible. I’m always crouched behind a u-bend, or under a bath. My knees are killing me.

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Plumbing means you spend a lot of time around the toilet. It’s not the highlight of my working week, I’ll be honest with you. But, over time, you become immune. The more loos you unblock, the more you take it for granted.

What I like is to talk to customers, learn their stories, tell them some of my own. People say to me that my approach is unusual, it wasn’t what they were expecting. Perhaps I’m helping to break the stereotype, just a little?

There are more and more amateur professionals these days, all of them reading Google before I arrive, then making all these suggestions and giving me all this unwanted advice. That can be a nightmare, I can’t lie. I always say to them that they’re more than welcome to try and fix it themselves if they want. Mostly, they don’t.”

‘Pipe Dreams: Confessions of a Plumber’ by Nicholas James is published in March