Test cricket isn’t a sport that is easy to get into, what with its mad rules, weird language and insistence on playing for so long. But sometimes events take over, as they have done in this year’s Ashes series, and you need to get interested.
The Ashes is a very long game of cricket, which is played every two years(ish), between England and Australia. Most years I’m sure it passes you gently by, but a critical game was won last week and now the 2023 Men’s Ashes might become for England like the 1966 World Cup, or the 2012 Olympics (emphasis on “might”).
But why should you care? I mean, considering the aforementioned Numberwang rules and the time-suck of watching. Well, the Ashes is not just a proxy war between England and Australia, it is a battle between old and new, with quite twisted-up Empire associations. We are very keen not to keep losing a game we invented to a nation constructed out of people we tried to cancel.
So if you are a patriot you can watch with a swell of pride and genuine investment; if you are a self-hating Brit you are in with a fair chance of watching us lose.
At the moment England’s performance is erratic, with the team encouraged by their coach to keep it pretty loose, (this game-play is referred to as “BazBall”). This means they often lurch from success to failure within 24 hours, which makes the game unpredictable and liable to reduce serious fans to acid tears of distress. For the casual observer, it’s more interesting than, say, a Roger Federer tennis match, where you knew he was going to win every set.
I know a bit about cricket because I live with two fanatics and am therefore subjected to a lot of cricket. I could either check out completely or lean in, and I chose to lean in. As a result, I have become something of an interpreter for others – if this is you, here is my handy guide to the rest of the Men’s Ashes, 2023 (the Women’s Ashes is also currently ongoing).
The story so far
Think of a cricket series like a TV series. Where a TV series contains episodes, a cricket series contains Tests – a total of five. A TV series episode might last an hour, a cricket Test lasts five days. This is why it feels like the cricket is always on – because it is always on. Right now we are in a lull between Tests number three and four, with the next game starting on 19 July. (The Women’s Ashes continues on the 16 and 18 July).
After three Tests, the score stands at Australia 2, England 1. We must win the next Test to stay in the series and the next two in order to get the Ashes back off the Australians. This is all you need to know. If anyone tries to make this more complicated, stick your fingers in your ears and start humming.
Winning vs losing
Whether England win or lose is by the by. Being still in with a chance is the thing. The current state of play means fans can now legitimately burn days following the cricket, (ie lying supine, snacking and drinking heavily), rather than having to find something constructive to do.
If England had lost the most recent Test (or ‘episode’), the Ashes would be “over”, even though they would, rather humiliatingly, still have been required to play the final two Tests, rendering spectating a bit pointless. Above all things, cricket is a way to piddle away time without it being called, or looking like, “piddling away time”.
The main characters
The most important person in English cricket is Ben Stokes. He is the ginger one with all the tattoos, as opposed to Jonny Bairstow, who is ginger but with no tattoos. Ben Stokes is also captain and is a sort of superhero – a literal BatMan. When things are going badly, Ben Stokes dashes out with his bat and goes bat, bat, bat, bat and scores a load of points and saves the day. This seems to happen in every match.
The second most important man in English cricket is Stuart Broad. He is a fast bowler and hurls balls at the Australian batsmen who shout “Strewth!” and shy out of the way. I’ve seen Stuart Broad in action and it’s so speedy IRL that you can’t actually see the ball and the whole scene is a bit like a flea circus with men dashing after this invisible thing.
The third most important man in English cricket is Jonathan Agnew, who is usually referred to as “Aggers”. He is a cricket commentator – find him on BBC Radio 5Live SportsXtra – and he is a sort of Pagan cricket deity on a par with Toutatis in Asterix. No other people in English cricket matter. Except Jimmy Anderson, who is really hot.
The cheating thing
The amateur cricket fan – this is now you – will notice there is endless chat about cheating, both current and historical. The history of this is that in 2018, three Australian cricketers – two are playing in this series – were found to have used sandpaper on the cricket ball to their advantage, (somehow, let’s not get bogged down in detail). The point is that they were cheating.
This bust confirmed every single generalised prejudice the English have about Australians. And the English have never (and probably will never) let this go. Now anything Australians do that veers into the grey area of the rules, which there is a lot of in cricket, is automatically condemned as cheating with loads of booing. It’s a bit childish. Don’t say this out loud.
Isn’t cricket racist?
You have a choice of answers to this question. Either quote race-relations analyst Dr Rakib Ehsan and say, “[to my mind] the main barriers in cricket are class-based… and if you look at the England cricket team that won the 2019 World Cup, it was incredibly diverse in terms of race, ethnicity, faith, social class and country of birth.” Or say, “I know, right?”
Watching
It is not like football or tennis. Test match cricket, as we have established, goes on for days and days. The point is to relax completely. This is a game invented by the idle rich in order to pass the time while they waited for the world wars to wipe them out. Bring newspapers, food, a hat, your watercolours – even if you’re just watching on the telly. Cricket isn’t really about cricket, it’s about having something on in the background while you eat a picnic.
Don’t worry too much about what’s actually going on – having read this guide, you now know more than many fans who are just in it for the day out. If you’re really curious, tune into BBC Radio 5 Sports Extra and wait for Aggers to explain. He is your friend. He will state things very plainly, eg: “Oh dear, this is looking bad for England.”
Final words of advice
Pay attention whenever Ben Stokes or Stuart Broad are in play because they will do something crazy and everyone will go “Raaaggh! Waaaghggh!”
Meanwhile: chill, zone out. Drink a rosé. Howzat?